


the ayatollahs funnybone

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-01
Updated: 2013-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-23 05:48:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/618780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>dave and rose have a conversation about some ridiculous bullshit because that's what friends do</p><p>set well before the game begins</p>
            </blockquote>





	the ayatollahs funnybone

TG: hey rose

TG: hey

TG: rose

TG: rose hey rose

TG: hey

TG: rose hey

TG: hey hey

TG: rose rose

TG: hey

TG: rooooooose

TG: rooooooooooooooose

TG: that kinda looks like it should rhyme with moose

TG: roose

TG: hey roose

TG: i know youre there roose

TG: gonna call you roose until you talk to me

TG: youre not saying anything but i know it drives you crazy on the inside roose

TG: roose roose roose

TG: a roose is a roose is a roose

TG: a roose by any other name would not sound half as dumb as a roose named roose

TT: I don't know if you recall, but we aren't exactly on speaking terms at the moment.

TG: oh hey sup rose didnt see you there

TG: i was just talking to my good buddy roose have you met

TT: I have sworn myself to silence in your presence. Like a Franciscan monk, but motivated less by faith than irritation.

TT: I'm only breaking this vow to inform you that I don't care what you call me. I shan't be listening.

TG: aww cmon rose

TG: (roose)

TG: (way too much fun to say)

TG: how angry can you get over this

TG: if you didnt want people to read it you shouldnt have put it on the internet

TT: I used a false name. You were under no obligation to sleuth it out.

TG: you always use false names its the internet

TT: A false false name. Not the false name I normally use.

TT: The intent was to conceal my authorship of the material from anyone whose judgment I have contend with in the course of my day-to-day life. Yourself, for example.

TT: John.

TT: Jade.

TT: And, of course, my mother.

TG: okay but look that wasnt my fault you gotta pin the blame on john for that one

TG: you know me rose i am way too cool to go around narcing people out to their moms

TG: shit always gets real when moms get involved and i know better than to call that down upon all our heads

TT: He said he was worried about me. He wanted someone to know what I was doing in case I, and this is a direct quote, “got in too deep and couldn't get out.”

TT: You are aware I'm now banned from using the internet. And from reading. And from drinking, although that particular prohibition has always been mostly self-imposed in any case.

TT: You are aware that those are three of the four possible pastimes this house has to offer. A girl can't knit alone while looking mournfully out of the window forever, Dave.

TG: youre using the internet right now though

TT: I'm being sneaky. It's now late enough for her afternoon nap, which generally lasts until about eleven in the morning, when she wakes with a start and makes a half-hearted attempt to figure out what happened to all the vodka.

TG: so just do that then whats the problem

TT: The problem, Dave, is that you betrayed a sacred trust.

TT: We all have the right to do whatever fucked-up thing we want on the internet. Our private occupations, we expect, will remain just that - forever concealed from the greater public, for their good and for ours.

TT: We do not expect to discover them scrutinized, as if through a microscope, for any speck of unintended hilarity. We do not expect to find choice excerpts of our secret histories circulating throughout the blogosphere to an accompaniment of guffaws.

TT: Am I getting that right? “Blogosphere?”

TG: no

TG: look ironically reviewing fanfiction was going to be the next big thing

TT: Yes, I can tell.

TT: How many “boners out of ten” did I receive, again?

TG: seven though technically those were just how many boners i popped while i was reading it

TG: ten is the theoretical maximum

TG: a dude can only pop so many boners in a single reading session

TG: if youre angry because i didnt give you enough boners keep in mind that actually its you who didnt give me enough boners and i have only so much control over that

TT: Stop saying “boner”.

TG: boner

TT: And start apologizing. If you begin the acts of contrition now, it's just possible that by sun-up you'll have proved yourself sufficiently repentant.

TT: I suggest a nice grovel to start with, followed by a round of weeping and begging for forgiveness, which I shall not grant. Ready?

TG: i actually

TG: still dont think

TG: that

TT: Yes?

TG: that

TT: Go on.

TG: i did

TT: I'm listening.

TG: that i did anything

TT: I await your next words with bated breath.

TG: wrong?

TT: Bzzt.

TT: I'm afraid that answer was incorrect. Thanks for playing.

TG: come on i didnt even know it was yours until you told me

TG: just some random weirdo fanfic i stumbled across on the internet

TG: i am dr livingstone and that place is my darkest heart of africa

TG: when i discover a lost temple full of gold how am i supposed to know it was built not by the natives but by the civilized white man

TT: Incoherent and weirdly racist metaphors aside, I did then pull you aside and ask you, in strictest confidence, to take it down.

TT: That did happen.

TT: I know it happened. I distinctly remember working up the courage to do it.

TG: yeah but

TT: This is going to be a really good excuse, isn't it? I can tell.

TG: rose

TG: the hits

TG: so many hits

TG: thousands upon thousands of hits

TG: its hard for a blogger to get noticed and this could have been my shot at the big time

TG: i had to choose between betraying you or the hits

TT: Oh, I didn't know! In that case, of course, all is forgiven.

TT: I don't see who could blame you. Obviously your duty to “the hits” mandated the public shaming of a lifelong friend.

TG: listen you dont know what its like out there

TG: crowds all cheering your name

TG: stomping their feet

TG: like blogging was football playing and i just kicked a touchdown over the goal square

TG: thanking me for bringing an ounce of joy into their dreary humdrum lives

TG: what if the president himself reads my blog and it makes him laugh enough that he thinks today is not the day to start that war with china

TG: what if i tickle the ayatollahs funnybone and he decides on the spot to invite the main israel guy over for a beer and a barbeque

TG: what if my blog saves a single human life

TG: rose i have a duty

TG: to bring laughter to the people

TG: its my blessing and my curse and i couldnt bring myself to throw it all away on impulse not even if comedy idol ben stiller himself warned me that my hilarity was attracting passing meteors

TG: i didnt know what to do

TT: So you decided to ask for help.

TG: it was a moral quandary thats what you do in moral quandaries

TT: I'm sure I said “strictest confidence”, but it seems what you actually heard was “confidence, but not the strict kind. Fairly relaxed confidence is appropriate to this situation.”

TG: i figured shed forget all about it the second i closed the conversation

TG: shes always talking about all the important future stuff she has to do i figured itd be more important than some flighty broads fruity fanfiction

TG: how was i supposed to know shed get so into it

TT: I'll admit her interest in my work was as much of a surprise to me as it was to you.

TT: But I would have vastly preferred a scenario in which she'd never encountered it at all.

TT: I can't help but feel that I've wronged her in some way. Started her down a dark path from which there is no turning back.

TT: Which, again, is actually your fault, of course.

TG: she promised me shed keep it under wraps

TG: "dont worry dave this is too good to share im going to have it all to myself"

TG: "ehehehehe"

TG: in retrospect the weird laugh shouldve been a warning sign

TT: Indeed.

TT: How long did she keep that promise? In minutes? Before rushing to tell everyone she knew?

TT: Which admittedly consists of you, me and John, but still.

TG: uh

TT: Your best estimate will suffice.

TG: i think she was just proud of you and wanted everyone to know how clever you were

TG: you get raised by a dog on an island sometimes you are not entirely aware of what is and is not appropriate to tell all your friends

TT: Fifteen? No, it couldn't have been that long. The ink was barely dry on my heartfelt plea for you not to reveal my secrets.

TG: which you typed up in pesterchum

TT: You're correct. It must have been the thank-you note I was writing you for being such a good friend.

TT: The one I was forced to tear to pieces when evidence of your betrayal began to creep across my screen.

TT: John thinks I'm psychologically disturbed, Dave. He keeps asking me if I'm okay.

TT: He's offered to fly out here and stay with me until I get the help I need. Did you know that?

TG: thats adorable

TT: Yes it is.

TT: But I would appreciate being able to converse with my friends without having to suffer through their insinuations that I'm some kind of sicko pervert. Let alone my mother.

TG: your mother is some kind of sicko pervert

TG: i like where this is going

TT: You know what I mean.

TT: Also, Jade needs to stop pestering me for recommendations. Any more of it and I'll be forced to give her some.

TG: alright look maybe i fucked up a little in a totally understandable way

TG: one moment of undavelike moral cowardice leading to a tiny error in judgment that snowballed out of control and now theres an avalanche of grief sweeping through the peaceful swiss chalet that was our friendship

TG: filled with the skiers of emotion sipping the hot chocolate of metaphors that become boring halfway through

TG: what do you want me to do about it

TG: its out there now

TG: in the world

TG: youre a meme

TG: youve got your own entry on that website that catalogues memes

TG: thats how you know

TG: when youve been memed

TG: i cant dememe you

TG: the president himself couldnt dememe you even if i made him giggle like a little schoolgirl and remember for one fleeting moment what it was like to be young

TG: no force on earth can dememe a meme once its been memed

TT: I know.

TT: There's no helping it now. I'll have to shed that identity and move on, like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis into another, larger chrysalis.

TT: You can't undo what you've done.

TG: what if i said i was sorry

TG: would that be a start

TT: I believe that would technically qualify as a start, yes.

TG: cool just give me a second to warm up to it

TG: not used to apologies usually i am perfect

TG: k here we go

TG: i

TG: dave strider

TG: am sorry for the thing i did

TG: i wish i had not done it and i will not do it again

TG: will you forgive me

TT: God, no.

TT: That was the most pathetic excuse for an apology I've ever heard, and I've heard my mother try to explain why Santa never brought me anything other than gin.

TT: Try again.

TG: goddamnit you evil harridan what do you want from me

TG: im sorry i fucked up and made your life harder in every way i didnt mean to do it i was tempted by the siren song of fame

TT: Better, but hardly good.

TT: Once again.

TG: i am the most worthless piece of shit that ever crawled upon gods green earth and i am not even worthy of your contempt i am basically a worm

TT: I rather liked that one, but practice makes perfect.

TG: everything i do is pathetic and im not half as funny as i think i am my only saving grace is that im friends with you and somehow i even managed to fuck that up

TT: Yes. That's the sweet spot.

TT: Continue in that vein.

TG: i am

TG: really terrible or something i guess

TG: rose how many of your twisted apology hoops do you want me to jump through

TT: All of them.

TT: All of the hoops, Dave.

TT: I am the ringmaster of this sorry circus. You are the clown, and the show must go on.

TG: clowns dont jump through hoops

TT: Clowns do what they're told.

TG: okay but im going to run out of clever ways to selfdeprecate eventually

TG: it feels dishonest like we all know that i am pretty much the greatest and exactly as funny as i think i am

TG: hard to deny its like trying to convince myself that the sky is green or something

TG: just feels weird

TG: you know

TT: Your reluctance makes this all the sweeter.

TG: ew

TT: But I don't actually mean to keep you grovelling all night. I have in mind a more sophisticated penance.

TG: thats the scariest thing i ever heard

TG: holy shit

TT: It requires little action on your part, but the rewards on my end will be incalculable.

TT: Would you like to know what it is?

TG: jesus no

TG: rose i know what goes on in that sick brain of yours

TG: ive read your fanfiction remember

TG: for the love of god dont do to me what you did to poor harry

TT: He deserved it.

TG: some of that detail was downright loving though

TT: Relax. Harry's fate would be anatomically impossible to duplicate without the use of magic, and we both know that magic is fake.

TT: Don't actually relax.

TT: What I have planned is more along the lines of a hilarious and well-deserved comeuppance. Ideally, this should make it all the harder to bear.

TG: aw man

TG: okay

TG: im ready

TG: hit me

TG: whatever sick fucking thing you got in store

TG: lets go

TG: im braced

TG: i can take it

TG: like a dude airdropping into nam

TG: storming the beaches at normandy or some shit

TG: normandy was in nam right

TG: got my helmet on and my rifle loaded ready to take the plunge

TG: charging fearlessly into battle men dropping like flies all around me

TG: dont know what the enemys got in store but im gonna face it like a damn marine hoo rah boys lets go

TG: bring it

TG: im ready

TG: not afraid of anything

TG: bring it on

TG: yeah

TG: dont keep me hanging rose just pull the damn trigger

TT: I want you to send me your browser history.

TT: All of it.

TG: what

TG: no

TG: what

TT: Yes.

TG: all of it

TT: Every last detail.

TG: no

TG: no i refuse

TG: you cant make me

TT: I can, though.

TG: no no no

TG: no

TG: i dont want to

TT: That's why it's funny.

TG: thats it friendship over

TG: just gonna walk away from this one

TG: nice having you around rose but this time you broke me

TG: im out

TG: goodbye

TG: see you never again i guess

TT: Those are your options, yes.

TG: what are you going to do with it

TT: Peruse it at my leisure.

TT: Make note of highlights, so as to drop them casually into conversation when you are least expecting it.

TT: Print it out and tape it the wall opposite my bed so that it is the last thing I see at night and the first I see in the morning.

TT: Whatever tickles my fancy, really.

TG: this cant be happening this cant be happening

TG: its like a nightmare

TG: i have to wake up oh god

TT: Have you tried slapping yourself in the face really, really hard?

TG: yes

TT: Did it work?

TG: it did not

TG: please rose ill do anything

TG: ill apologize to your mom for you

TG: we can trade parents and you can have my super cool bro and ill take your crazy drunk mom off your hands and ill even promise not to hit on her if thats what it takes

TG: ill dress up as you and learn to knit

TG: give up my raps for the violin she wont even notice the difference

TG: how is this not the perfect solution

TG: did you hear what i said rose ill give up my priceless raps for you that is basically the definition of repentance

TT: Tempting. Do you know what, though? I still like my idea better.

TG: ill be your sacrifice to the dark gods

TG: know youve been looking for one of those

TG: eviscerate me on an altar and feed my soul to the tentacled ones just dont make me do this

TT: The dark gods prefer more refined fare. I imagine your soul would taste exactly like a Nacho Cheese Dorito.

TT: No, we're still on the browser history thing, I'm afraid.

TG: oh my god

TG: im going to pass out

TG: cant control my breathing

TG: this is killing me

TG: i am going to die and you will be a murderer

TT: No jury on earth would convict me.

TT: The browser history, Dave.

TT: Send it to me.

TT: Don't bother trying to falsify evidence. I'll know. I'll winkle it out of you like a pearl from a ripe oyster and then there will be no escaping my wrath.

TG: oh godddd

TG has sent TT file: DavesBrowserHistory.hph

TG: take it you witch

TG: damn you to hell

TT: ...

TT: Oh, my.

TT: Oh dear, Dave. Oh dear.

TT: I'm not even sure what half these words mean.

TT: How nice. I do so enjoy learning new words.

TG: i am just

TG: going to go

TG: and sit in a corner somewhere and cry now

TT: Oh, don't go yet, Dave. I'll need you to talk me through some of this.

TT: “Smuppling.” What is that, exactly? I'd love to get your perspective on the matter.

TG: nope

TG: nope nope nope

TG: i am out

TG: if you never hear from me again its because i threw myself on my sword rather than face the shame of defeat

TG: is that cool

TT: It's cool, Dave.

TT: We're cool now.

TT: I hope you've learnt a valuable lesson today about friendship.

TG: i have learnt that it is a brutal and malevolent thing which will turn to bite you on the ass when you least expect it

TT: That's precisely what I was going for.

TT: Well done!

TG: now if youll excuse me i am going to fill a bathtub with faygo and drown myself in it

TG: he died as he lived they will say

TG: in the most embarrassing way possible

TT: I'll ask the priest to read from this list at your funeral.

TT: Better not, actually. He might burst into flames.

TT: But if you'd like I can have some of these images graven on your tombstone so that the world might never forget you.

TT: A marble smuppet stands his eternal vigil over your lonely tomb, like a dog pining away for his dead master.

TT: He solemnly sports a magnificent, memorial phallus, gleaming with dew. Birds perch upon it and sing to usher in the rosy dawn.

TT: I think that's beautiful. Don't you think that's beautiful?

TG: nope

TG: nope nope nope

TG: nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope

TG: i think i dont have to sit here listening to this

TG: and that i am done with this conversation and also all other conversations forever

TG: in fact i dont think i will ever need any word other than nope ever again

TG: hows that sound

TG: sorry i mean hows that nope

TT: Nope?

TG: good nope

TG: nope to see you again nope

TG: nope

TT: Godspeed, Dave.

TT: Godspeed.

TG: *nopies noutie*


End file.
